Yesterday I dug through the spare cable drawer to find the bunny ears antenna I had stashed there months ago. The summer Olympics were my motivation and they were as easy as a coax cable away. After placing the antenna in a suitable position resting atop my nearby telescope, I confirmed that NBC came in fine and watched the end of Letterman/beginning of Ferguson. I dreamt of butterfly strokes and long jumps. This morning turned out to be a disappointment. There were no Olympics to be found. When Women’s Volleyball should have been filling my 46 inch display, all I got was daytime television. I have this weird wrinkle in my brain that finds pleasure in the vast wasteland even when the rest of my brain pleads with my eyeballs and ears to turn themselves off. But when I don’t walk away, and my sensory organs realize they are captive to this torture, they absorb the information from the production standpoint, not the consumer. FIrst up was Bay Area Bargains. Refrigerators, ovens, dishwashers; bargains for everyone. The host was the most interesting aspect of this show. He was probably in his 50’s and had admitted to hosting the show for some time now. I began to focus on his eyes, mouth and hand gestures as the meaningless words came spilling out of his cake hole. “These aren’t good deals”, they said to me,”I don’t think you should buy these.” It made me want to buy him a beer, pat him on the back and say to him,”we’ve all been there. Some of us are still right there with you. And I don’t blame you.” Next up was the amazing Malibu Pilates workout bench. While the host swore they were in Malibu, the soft breeze coming through the open window and reflections of water on the ceiling spoke to the hostage part of my brain. The truth of the matter is, none of these people actually use this piece of crap. This glorified chair was crafted with one purpose in mind: to sell. No man ever got “rock hard abs” from it’s resistive springs. No woman ever “elongated there thighs” or “shaped their rump” from performing these “easy workouts”. That’s not to say someone couldn’t shape their body with counterweights. It’s just not happening with this device.
I take the dog for a walk. And wouldn’t you believe it, when I get back, that’s right, I turn the TV on again.
This time my eyes are graced with an employee of See Grins RV and an incredible selection of preowned “coaches” priced to sell. I think of who the target audience must be as I am in no way capable or desirable as these things are going for $49,999; payments as low as $400 a month. Some of the key features I learned that people apparently want in an RV are extra big windshields, dome satellites, double bathrooms, and hardwood kitchen floors. If you are on a computer with Flash installed, don’t hesitate to visit their site with the volume on your speakers turned all the way up.
Then I snapped out of it. It was past lunch time and all I had done with my day off was…we’ll it didn’t involve the Olympics. Turns out, NBC only broadcasts the Olympics on weekdays. Strange, I thought.